Friday, October 5, 2007

Winners Cheat

More and more it's becoming obvious. Winners cheat. They just do. According to the Washington Post, Marion Jones, who took home 3 Gold medals at the 2000 Olympics, has admitted to using steroids for 2 years leading up to the Olympics.

But by now we know, this is not surprising. The Patriots won 3 Super Bowls in 4 years, not quite as amazing of a feat when you are tape recording the opposing teams defensive calls. NASA landed on the moon without having to leave Nevada. And with a little help from his friends over at BALCO, Barry Bonds has broken Hank Aarons career Home Run record and a million baseball fans tender little hearts.

But this isn't a new concept, in 1904, 71 years before Floyd Landis was even born, Thomas Hicks collapsed after winning the Summer Olympics Marathon, from a mixture of brandy and strychnine his assistant gave him.

The problem is that the cheater is always at least three steps ahead of the law. It's nearly impossible to catch them until well after they've already cashed in and had their faces plastered on Wheaties boxes. But I've got a new method. You can keep your urine tests and competitive balance committees, I don't need them. All you have to do is find unbelievable success, and chances are, you've found a cheater. Which is how I've uncovered a whole slue of cheaters. Take that Washington Post.

- First is Finland. 100% literacy rates? Yeah, right, like I can't see straight through that. I'm not sure how your doing it, whether the test is rigged or what, but you're not fooling me.

- Next is this Phileas Fogg character. I don't care what that Jules Verne says, around the World in Eighty days, in 1873? I'm not buying that for one second. Nice try.

- Oh, and how about this British group, the Beatles. More than 40 number one releases. Yeah, I bet that's a whole lot easier when you're paying off radio stations. Revolver isn't even really that good*.

- William Shakespeare, greatest writer of all-time? He was housing his work from Francis Bacon, and he knows it.

- And finally, one word. Google. I'm not sure how they do it, but I'm certain cheating is involved. End of story.

*Upon further review Revolver is actually probably one of the greatest albums of all-time. Though I suspect producer George Martin was juicing.


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